The Cost of Living
by E.Mahiru
Summary: Tragic oneshots, includes Someone Else Cared plus Riza is truly of Ishvarlan descent, and Edward prevents his mother's death after his own. All oneshots, probably no pairings Constructive Criticism welcome. GORGONZOLA
1. Chapter 1

**I was reading a fanfiction somewhere when the author mentioned Riza's "wine-colored " eyes, which made me think it was strange that she had red eyes, which led to the initial idea for this oneshot.**

**--------------**

"Colonel Mustang. You and everyone under you are to attack the southernmost city. Take plenty of water and ammunition and destroy it. No one is to be left alive, understood?"

"Yes, Sir!" Roy saluted smartly, marching out of the Fuhrer's office. The president of the military had come all the way out here just to give the new orders that would change the course of the war. It wasn't really a war anymore, Roy thought. Now it was a slaughter.

He met his lieutenant, Riza Hawkeye, outside. He frowned at the pasty color of her face. She shouldn't have been able to hear what had been said in that office.

"Something wrong, Lieutenant?"

"Nothing at all, Sir. Why do you ask?"

"You're very pale." He turned to her, his cold eyes softening. What a beautiful woman she was. So perfect, balanced and in control. He reached to touch her cheek very gently and she almost flinched away, but not in time before his fingers brushed her cheek.

He frowned harder at the weirdly sticky paleness that had somehow come off on his fingers. He looked up quickly at her face. It had lost its usually stoic and calm appearance, her expression bordering surprise and apprehension.

"Lieutenant...?"

"Make-up, Sir." She regained her mask, suddenly refreshing her composure. Roy frowned again. Something wasn't right here. He reached forward again, holding her face gently with one hand, rubbing his sleeve across the other side.

"Sir!" it was a yip of protest and Roy knew why. A deep shade of brown had replaced the white everywhere his sleeve had come into contact with her skin. Her fiery eyes opened wide as Riza saw the shock on her Colonel's face.

"Riza..." He rubbed her face again, taking most of the paleness from it. He now looked down into the smooth face of a woman undeniably Ishvarlan. He took a shaky step back.

The Fuhrer's office door opened and the bulky man who stepped forth paused, studying the scene carefully before speaking.

"Colonel. I hope you haven't forgotten my orders."

_'None of them are to be left alive.'_

"...Yes...Sir."

**---------------------¨**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is a oneshot songfic. Song featured is Suzanne Vega's In Liverpool. She's an awesome artist! I've left out bits of the song that didn't fit so well with the story, but I haven't changed any of the bits I did use.**

**In case you couldn't figure it out, this is after the end of the anime series.**

**Warning: Ed x OC and possible character deaths.**

**Oh yeah, and this was the original summary for this that has been removed because it turned into a string of oneshots instead of just this:**

**Everything failed. He couldn't find a way, so he took the last option he had. He didn't realize she cared, that she would come with him.Oneshot Songfic. I do not own Suzanne Vega.**

**---------------------------------**

Standing on the edge he looked down over this still-foreign city. He took a deep breath. No one would ever record the way this city had finally broken him.

_In Liverpool_

_On Sunday_

_No traffic_

_On the avenue_

_The light is pale and thin_

_Like you_

_No sound down on this part of town_

_Except for the boy in the belfrey he's crazy_

_He's throwing himself_

_Down from the top of the tower_

_Like a hunchback in heaven_

_He's ringing the bells in the church for the last half an hour_

_And he sounds like he's missing something or someone that he knows he _

_can't_

_have_

_now_

_And if he isn't, I certainly am_

"Al..." Ed savored the sound of his brother's name. Even if no one ever knew, it would be his last word. Maybe if he was lucky he would end up back with his brother again, but if not then he didn't want to go on anyway.

_Homesick_

_For a clock that told_

_the same time_

_Sometimes you made no sense to me_

_If you lie on the ground in somebody's arms_

_You'll probably swallow some of their history_

_Except for the boy in the belfry he's crazy_

_He's throwing himself _

_Down from the top of the tower_

_Like a hunchback in heaven_

_He's ringing the bells in the church for the last half an hour_

_And he sounds like he's missing something or someone that he knows he_

_can't_

_have_

_now_

_And if he isn't, I certainly am_

The tears that had threatened to break loose for so long were now freed.

"Al...!"

He'd given it his all, he really had, but for years of loneliness and pain and unfamiliarity he just couldn't find the way back. This was his last resort. It would probably fail like all the rest.

_...spreading a memory all through the sky_

Running footsteps behind him. Someone was coming to stop him. But he couldn't be stopped.

_In Liverpool_

_On Sunday_

_No reason_

_To even remember you now_

As Ed's feet leave the solidity he has known all his life the footsteps come with him and a soft hand entwines itself with his.

_Except for the boy in the belfrey he's crazy_

_He's throwing himself_

_Down from the top of the tower_

_Like a hunchback in heaven_

_He's ringing the bells in the church for the last half an hour_

_And he sounds like he's missing something or someone that he knows he _

_can't_

_have_

_now_

_And if he isn't, I certainly am_

And the ground rushes to meet them as he looks at her and she smiles. '_Where you go, I go.' _She seems to say.

And they rush to meet the ground, to end it all.

Together.

_In Liverpool..._


	3. Chapter 3

**This oneshot fic should speak for itself, so let's forget about author notes.**

**--------------**

"The money your father left us in is his study. Use if it anything happens, OK?" Tricia smiled through her pain, willing herself to look happy, not to divulge any of the anguish that was wracking her inner body right now. She would not let her boys know how close she was to gone. She would keep fighting. For them.

"But Mom," Ed's unintentionally loud voice broke easily through the fog of her pain. "Nothing will happen. Right?"

"I certainly hope not, Edward." She felt her body stiffen, now completely rigid and she couldn't hold back the scream that tore its way out of her chest.

"MOM!" Both boys jumped, eyes wide. Ed took over.

"Al, go get the doctor!"

"OK!" Alphonse ran out the door and Tricia couldn't seem to get her voice to work. Couldn't tell him she needed both her boys right here because she was dying and she would be gone before he returned with help.

"It's OK Mom! Hang on, OK? Dad'll be here soon, too! He replied to one of my letters."

Tricia couldn't shake her head, couldn't speak, couldn't even lean over to hug her first son. As she watched his pleading face, she started to feel herself go.

_xxxxxxxxxxx_

Then she was standing at a great stone gate.

Looking around frantically, she was suddenly sucked forward by something. The Gate began to open and little black paws started to creep out of its edges.

Suddenly, the Gate stopped, groaning and she saw a boy suspended between the doors. His face was bloody and grimy and he had no right arm or left leg. She couldn't see how he could be holding that Gate closed with only two limbs, but then The Gate pushed at him, stretching his body to its limits and revealing stakes just barely visible in the darkness, pinning his palm and ankle to each door of the Gate. Something screamed behind him and a thousand little voices began chanting over one another.

"You can't do that!" "It's not allowed!" "Give her to us, strange one." "You cannot hold her out."

The boy addressed her when he spoke.

"Mom, maybe this is wrong. But as long as I had to die anyway, I want to do something for you and I think this is the only thing I can do. Maybe it'll change the past, maybe it'll even create another dimension. But this time I won't let you die. GO BACK TO YOUR LIFE!"

Tricia was blown backward by some unseen force caused by the boy's intensity. As she flew backward and down, she found herself confused. None of what that boy had said had made sense.

* * *

She was suddenly knocked into something, her breath whooshing out of her. She opened her eyes to four bright ones shining back at her and choruses of "Mom? Mom?"

The doctor pushed her two young boys out of the way, eyes wide.

"She's alive?"

Tricia nodded. Her body felt weak, but not pained and there was no doubt in her mind that she was going to recover.

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Ed sighed deeply, glad the Gate was finally shut again. After he'd sacrificed himself to get Al's body back, he'd decided never to let anyone he cared about die again. Here, he could really do it too.

He still wasn't sure what effect his mother's not-death would have on the world, but maybe it would change the past and he would return to live as the Edward Elric whose mother didn't die.

But as he peeked one more time out of the Gate, he could see the two young boys' auras and immediately knew they were not he and his brother. No, they would grow up to be completely different people, living their very own lives.

And he would remain here.

Forever holding the Gate.

**---------------- **


	4. Chapter 4

**This was inspired by the episode of the ANIME where we learn that Wrath is definitely Izumi's child. It's anime-verse.**

**-----------**

"No, Edward! Don't touch him!"

"But Teacher! We saw him! He tried to kill you!" Edward screamed back, the fury rising in his stomach. He wasn't going to let that little homonculus get away with hurting his teacher.

"Teacher, we know he's a homonculus." Al stepped forward.

"That's right." Wrath's young, soft voice had taken on a sadistic edge now. "I forgot fora little while, but envy helped me remember. Everything." The boy's face darkened. "I remember how she gave me to the Gate. How I waited and waited, growing stronger until the day when I could open the Gate again."

Ed and Al were frozen where they stood. Izumi remained on her knees. She remembered perfectly.

"And then one day, an idiot dropped by. He was crying and yelling "Give me back-"

"DON'T!" Ed snapped violently. He charged Wrath despite his Teacher's earlier command.

"Don't what? Come on now." Wrath grinned ferally.

"No!" Ed swung his automail fist at the boy, but he ducked and came up in Edward's face.

"What don't you want them to know?" He asked. "What you were screaming, crying?"

"Stop it! NOW!" Ed swung at Wrath again and Izumi screamed.

"Don't touch him!"

"How you were screaming 'Gimme back my little brother! Give him back, waaaaah!"

"Shut up!"

"Who do you want to hide it from? The man behind-oh wait. That thing is your little brother, isn't it?"

"I'll KILL YOU--!" Ed's panic was plain on his face.

" Gimme back my little brother, gimme back my little brother!" Wrath taunted the blond boy in his most condescending voice. Izumi stood suddenly.

"That's enough." Her voice was quiet and hard. She clapped her hands and Wrath was impaled from below by a jagged rock stake. As Wrath screamed and struggled, Edward couldn't help noticing how rough and sharp and uneven every aspect of the stake was. He knew his teacher was in pain right now.

"G-gimme back...my little...brother..." Wrath glared at Ed as he drowned in the blood pouring from his mouth. Ed started to shake, bringing his left arm up to his face.

"Let's go, boys." Izumi stood suddenly and began to walk and the brothers automatically followed her, Ed sniffling.

"What is it that Wrath said that made you so mad, Brother?" Al put a hand on Ed's back.

"I-I just didn't want you to know...how hard I really cried that day."

**--**

**I'm not sure if this one was any good, it just made me so angry the way Wrath was saying it in that episode 'Gimme back my little brother' and making fun of Ed.**


	5. Chapter 5

**OK, this one's a little less angst and more...drama maybe?**

**Hope it's still good.**

**--------------**

Edward always thought other peoples' words couldn't affect him. He didn't care what anyone thought about what he and Al were doing or how they were going about it, so why did it always bother him when people would come out and say that he was being childish or stubborn or selfish?

As long as no one was talking to him, Ed didn't care what they thought.

But as the hurtful, critical words filled his ears, no matter how gently said, he would always find himself caving.

No one person seemed to completely believe in him or what he was doing. Not even Al sometimes, but that was different.

Pinako and Winry wanted him to get their bodies back, but didn't want him in the military. Their teacher approved of neither venture and she said it most clearly of all.

But even Lt. Colonel Hughes' dismay showed at what Ed and Al were trying to accomplish, although he never actually said anything to the effect and never really offered any suggestions as to what they should really be doing.

Colonel Mustang hurt more than most, adding height-related taunts to the already sharply worded reprimands and lectures he gave in his office.

The truth was, no matter how much Ed didn't care what anyone else in the world thought, it was impossible for him to ignore their words and sometimes, the truth was that he couldn't handle or deal with what they were saying and got angry and upset.

And the truth was...

He had to.


	6. Chapter 6

**Move spoilers, or something. Just Al's clothes, though.**

**-----------**

_To really see is not to judge, but to see all of one thing. All its facets and vertices and faces and moods_

---------

Roy pulled his coat tightly around himself as he stepped out into the freezing wind. Ever since last October, two months ago, there hadn't been any rain or sleet or snow. Roy would have liked that. Something wild and wet to clean the city. Instead there was only angry freezing wind. The weather, Colonel Mustang had decided, was mirroring the events in the recent past. With Edward gone, disappeared from this world, there was no one to really fight the injustices of the world.

No matter what, Roy thought, the elder Elric had always stepped in to set things right when he thought things weren't as they should be. A fake prophet, a tyrannical landowner, a serial killer... It was just in Ed's nature to clean things up. Like rain, washing through, causing cold and stress and destruction, but when he finally whirled out of town, things were better somehow than they had been before.

He was about to hail a cab when suddenly, a red coat and blond head caught his eye across the street. Roy knew even before his eyes completely focused that he was looking at Alphonse Elric, the left-behind.

That was the phrase that always came first to Roy's mind when he would spot Al out of the corner of his eye before he looked away, trying not to see.

_Left-behind._

But as he s tood there on his side of the street not looking at Al, he couldn't help notice that the boy was all alone.

And then he looked. Turned his head and just really looked at the young boy trudging against the wind with his hands stuffed in his pockets, head down wearing a cringe against the wind. Roy watched his small steps, his legs even shorter than Ed's had ever been.

He was so _alone_, Roy realized then as he watched Al teeter precariously for a moment on his platform boots. Trying to imitate Edward...He didn't have _anyone._ Ed had been the only one he'd ever really talked to, looked up to. He'd been polite but distant from everyone else. Even though he had a reputation for being the more civilized of the brothers, he'd never really known how to deal with other people.

Roy had known all that, but it was only in this instant that he had allowed himself to fully realize it, understand it instead of cringeing away from Al's red coat, his black jacket that wasn't quite right and the long hair that really didn't suit him.

Roy picked up his feet into a quick, awkward gate between a walk and a run to cross the street.

"Alphonse! Hey, wait up!"

------------

**Al needs someone, don't you think? It's so awful to see him dressed like Ed that way when he really _isn't _Edward.**


	7. Chapter 7

**This has spoilers for book 10, and you might not get it if you haven't read it. Completely manga-verse.**

**Riza-centric.**

**----------**

"Are you all done now? Good! Then it's time to EAT!" Gluttony tightened his grubby hands around Riza's neck and she struggled against him, desperate for air. The homonculus opened his mouth wide with an evil sneer and Riza's eyes widened. She could smell his breath. It was bloody and thick. She could already imagine what those gargantuan t eeth of his would do to her body and head.

"BARK!"

Riza was thrown suddenly to the ground as a familiar furry black shape sunk his sharp teeth into Gluttony's meaty shoulder.

"Ooh, that tickles." He whined, reacher to pluck Hayate off his shoulder.

"Lieutenant!" Fuery tossed a handgun in Hawkeye's direction and she caught it, swinging it up and pinning her sights on the fat man. Hayate was slung down to the floor and both the Lieutenant and Master Sergeant took their window of opportunity to fire several rounds into the homonculus until their guns were empty. They both froze as Gluttony began another sneering advance toward them.

"What's wrong, run out of bullets?" He sneered. Black Hayate picked himself up off the ground, growling as Riza heard footsteps on the stairs behind them. As the puppy launched himself, all teeth and claws at the laughing homonculus, a huge force blew past Riza, flames engulfing Gluttony and Hayate.

As the homonculus went flying backward off the building, Riza darted forward to her fallen companion. His fur was all but gone, the flesh dried and pulling back from the dog's bones.

That was the day Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye lost her most faithful and loyal companion, the only person in the world she could confide her secrets and feelings to without consequence or regret.

Little did she know that within the next fewe hours, she would also lose the man who she'd talked most about to Hayate. But he at least, would return to her.

Her constant companion would not.

---------------


	8. Chapter 8

**I know I'm usually all for Roy/Riza, but I donno, I just had this idea, so I'm straying from my normal pairing range today.**

**-----------**

_"Hi, Hawkeye."

* * *

_

Ed scowled as he nodded hello to Lieutenant Hawkeye, hoping as he always did that she would assume it was because Ed was unhappy about having to go talk to the colonel and not because he was trying to hide the hot flush spreading across his face.

It was not like he'd ever intended to have feelings for Riza, it was just that a mysterious chain of events had stirred it in him. At first he'd thought Riza was just Roy's pet, following him wherever he went, but the first time he ever saw the two in action together, it had become obvious who was really in charge. Riza protected the colonel, kept him in line and scolded him whenever he got in the way or put himself in danger. Ed used to think it was laughable, pitying her for such a task.

He first began to respect her when he caught her at the outdoor shooting range across town from HQ one day and watched her practice. And _damn_ she was good.

And then there was that day in East Central after the Nina Tucker incident when Edward had felt so frustrated and angry and _guilty_. When Scar had shown up and Edward had realized the Ishvarlan was responsible for Nina's death, Ed had been angry like never before in his life. And then, he got the scare of his life.

He remembered the Ishvarlan towering over himand how he'd begun, in a panic, to try to memorize everything-the brick under his knees, the feeling of rain on his back and the sound of his brother's voice yelling at him. And even though it had been the colonel who fired the shot that momentarily distracted Scar from killing him, Ed still remembered Riza as being the real hero.

She saved Mustang from being killed by his own absent-mindedness(1) and grazed Scar, even if she hadn't managed to kill him.

The way she'd taken off her coat afterward and wrapped it around his cold shoulders, sheltering his body from the weather was what Ed remembered as having woken those new feelings inside him back then. It was when he'd realized he loved Riza.

It was just too bad Winry had told him, in great detail, just how much she knew Riza cared for Roy.

* * *

"_Colonel Bastard."_

_---------_

**(1)Roy thought he could fight, but then Riza remembered that his gloves were wet and quick knocked him out of the way just before he got his brains blown out!! Ehehehe.**

**R&R please! **


	9. Chapter 9

_Deny Me_

--

_You have always denied me. All of you._

_When you compare me with my brother, you deny my intelligence, my spirit and my conviction._

_When you saw me cry after he sacrificed himself for me, you denied my will to live. You denied that I was strong enough to go on._

_When I refused your own shallow ideas of my brother's state, location, existence, when I told you I would bring him back again, that I could, you denied my independence, my sanity and my ability. My ability to do what I had promised._

_And even thought it should have been inconceivable, you still tried to deny the truth when I did bring my brother back to this world._

_You try to deny me, but I, Alphonse, am a current in the ocean of the universe. An unseen force that carries the water of time forward, shaping the ocean floor imperceptibly._

_You cannot deny me. _

_I am changing history and you cannot deny that._

_--_


	10. Chapter 10

**Slicer**

---

* * *

Two boys in the wind, alone.

The taller holds the younger's hand, both watch the destruction of some unknown place. Their home?

* * *

No parents, no friends, spat on and injured, all alone.

But they survived. Because it was all they could do.

To kill, to live off others, to survive, to live, to protect eachother.

* * *

Do you protect him? Do you fight for him?

The question is not would you die for him, but would you kill for him?

* * *

_**"Just shut the hell up before you say something else you'll regret."**_

* * *

_"Edward Elric... We are not so different, you and I."_

_---_

**These are getting pretty short, aren't they? Oh well. Whenever "Slicer" is talking, it's supposed to be the older brother. Since they never gave their seperate names, I had to make due. But it should be obvious.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Ed's POV**

----------------

"How well do you remember that night?"

_I was holding her cold, clammy hand trying to will her back to life. She'd already told me about the jar under the bed and to take care of my brother._

_She had already said her farewells._

"This may alarm you,"

_Granny Pinako had to pick me up and lock me in my room so I would sleep. Al was already dead to the world so I didn't care cry or plead to be freed from my confines._

_She disappeared in the middle of the night._

"But the last time I saw you wasn't twelve years ago."

_In the morning, one of our neighbors found her dead in the road._

_I never understood._

"It was eight. I spoke to your mother."

_No one knew how she got out there. She was so weak she couldn't eat. So how did she walk the half mile up the road?_

_Near the river._

"She said she was dying and she wanted to see the place where we met."

_I was so overcome with grief and incomprehension that I completely forgot the significance of where she was found._

"After I talked to her, she told me to leave. She said that if I wasn't going to stay with you, I was not allowed to see you. She told me she would walk back by herself."

_"She wouldn't take no for an answer." That's something Pinako used to say._

"I hope you don't blame me. She- she died on the way back, didn't she?"

I shook my head. "She wanted to see you again, Dad. She probably died happy."

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"I'll never forgive you."

----------------------

**Twelve years ago may not actually be when he left, but it was close enough for me. I've never heard exactly when he left, so I made do.**

**Oh, and the part about the "jar under the bed" was supposed to mean a stash of money Trisha had saved up. But I didn't want to put all of that into that sentence.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Al's POV**

-----------

"How well do you remember that night?"

_I remember brother yelling at me. He said I was too young and stupid to understand. He said Mom was going to die and I punched him as hard as I could. He got right back up and told me I'd better be nice to him because she was putting him in charge when she went._

_Winry came and gave me a hug and told me to be strong and Aunty Pinako put me to bed._

"This may alarm you, but the last time I saw you wasn't twelve years ago."

_I woke up when I heard brother being put to bed and crying, but I went back to sleep. _

_I figured he deserved it._

"It was eight. I spoke to your mother."

_I never used to understand who "your father" was or why Mom wanted to see him so much._

_But I know she did._

"She said she was dying and she wanted to see the place where we first met."

_I knew that story. She told it to me whenever I asked about you._

_She always cried afterward._

"After I talked to her, she told me to leave. She said that if I wasn't going to stay with you, I wasn't allowed to see you. She told me she would walk back herself."

_That doesn't make sense. She couldn't walk._

"I hope you don't blame me. She- she died on the way back, didn't she?"

"Yes. But why didn't you take care of us? Why didn't you stay when you knew we were going to lose her?"

"I'm sorry, Alponse."

"Sorry? _Sorry?_ Look at me! Look at me now, look at what happened to me!"

"I decided you would be safer with the Rockbells than with me."

"I'll never forgive you."

"Of course you won't."


	13. Soldier Boy

**This is a songfic to 'Soldier Boy' which my school's mixed chorus sung at All-District. It's really pretty and I would think you could find it somewhere to listen to... It's a fairly old, traditional-ish song. But I don't know if the tune would be the same. I was thinking of putting a link to it here, but I don't have the song recorded anywhere and I can't sing it very well.**

**Anyway, if you know the song, it will make the fic MUCH better reading.**

**Movie'verse.**

**--------------------------------**

_Soldier boy, soldier boy_

_Where are you going to?_

_Soldier boy, soldier boy_

_In your coat so fine_

"Granny, I'm gonna be a state alchemist..."

"I don't want them to be soldiers... Please don't take them away..."

"We're going to _burn_ it. As a symbol of our resolve. So we can never turn back."

_I am riding off to war_

_Where the mighty cannons roar_

_Where the golden bugles shine_

_Lady fair, be mine_

"Give us a call sometime, let us know you're still alive."

'_I love Edward. I just want them both to hurry up and come home where it's safe... I'll even pray to God for it.'_

_Soldier boy, soldier boy_

_When will you come again?_

_Soldier boy, soldier boy_

_In your coat so fine_

"We don't have a home to go to now."

"You can always stop by for dinner sometime..."

"Next time I see you, I'll make you cry from happiness!"

_When the leaves are green again_

_When the lilacs bloom again_

_When there is an end to war_

_Then I will come once more_

"Whaddaya mean, Major?"

"To have a family waiting for you here... It is truly a blessing."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What are you going to do, Edward?"

"Get out of here, go to the surface. I'll destroy this place. So that now one ever thinks of making a stone this way again!"

_'It's finally time, Al. Live a happy life, OK? I won't be there, but this time, I swear you'll be happy. Take care of Winry for me.'_

---------------------

"I've heard rumors about rockets being sent up into space. I think there might be a connection between Earth's atmosphere and the Gate."

"You'll just keep trying, won't you? ..."

"I'm going to get back to Al no matter what."

'_And you, too, Winry.'_

_Seven times, then seven more_

_Leaves turned to green again_

_Lilacs bloomed every spring_

_Just like before_

_But there is no end to war _

_Seven years, then seven more_

_Still she waited just the same_

_But no one ever came_

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**A few of the quotes were verbatim and some I made up and some were approximations of quotes... I didn't want them all to be straight from the show/manga. **


	14. The ScientistColdplay

**It's a songfic! Coldplay's 'The Scientist'.**

**I think records were the way they played their music then, right? **

**-------------------------------------------**

"Brother! Turn that music down! All of Amestrist can hear it!" Al was exasperated. Ed hadn't yet answered his shouts _or_ turned down the music screaming from his bedroom. When Ed had gone up to his room earlier, he'd asked Alphonse not to disturb him, but the younger brother was no longer in a compliant mood. He didn't know why Ed couldn't listen to his record at a normal volume, like a normal, considerate person who was a_ware_ that it was almost midnight.

Al stomped to Ed's room and shoved the door open, breaking the lock.

'_Come out to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are_

_I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I'll set you apart_

_Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions_

_Oh let's go back to the start_

_Runnin' in circles, combin' tails, Heads on a science apart'_

Ed jumped when Al barged into his room, then froze, too shameful to even try to hide the pictures scattered around his knees, or the blade in his hand. Al froze too, for a moment, and then advanced on his brother. He didn't bother asking questions, knowing he would get no answers from his brother. Not when he'd fallen this low. The pictures scattered on the floor around his kneeling brother were from their childhood. Most of them were of Alphonse.

"Oh, Ed."

_'Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh, take me back to the start'_

Ed's arm, shoulder to wrist, was covered in hairline cuts, each almost invisible, but outlined in running red blood.

_'I was just guessin', At numbers and figures, Pullin' the puzzles apart_

_Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart_

_Don't tell me you love me, Come back and haunt me, Oh what a rush to the start_

_Runnin' in circles, Chasing our tails, Comin' back as we are'_

"Brother, you're not allowed to do this anymore. You can't fall like this when I need you to be strong, to help me keep searching for the stone," Al's straining voice suddenly broke as he began to yell at his wayward sibling. "We can't go back to the past! We can't undo this by going backward! We have to go forward! Stand up and WALK!"

_'Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be so hard..._

_I'm going back to the start.'_

Alphonse wrenched the tiny blad from Ed's hand, grabbed up all the pictures off the floor and stopped the record-player.

"There's a meeting on wartime strategy analysis at Central HQ. Major Armstrong and Fuhrer Bradley will both be speaking about alchemic strategy analysis and how to tell whether an enemy army's alchemists are using Red Stones. It starts in twenty minutes. You have ten minutes to get ready." Alphonse slammed Ed's door as he walked out, his anger building from having Ed's meek, lost expression follow him wherever he moved in Ed's room.

Usually when Ed fell into these fits of self-abusive depression, a good slap to the face and a fight would bring him back around. But in this last year, their fifth year spent searching for the stone, the fits had started coming more frequently. And without their Teacher or Winry or Pinako around, and Colonel Mustang busier than ever, Ed seemed to fall farther each time. Down, down, down...

Every time, Al became less sure that Ed would revive.

_'Oh, take me back to the start...'_

_'No one ever said it would be so hard...'_


	15. In the Flesh

**IF YOU HAVEN'T READ VOLUME 9 OF FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST ( CHAPTER 34 FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T BUY THE BOOKS) THEN DO NOT READ THIS FICLET. THANK YOU.**

* * *

Al says it's rude, but Ed ignores him and goes on standing over her, watching her sleep.

Envy was finally named as the true killer of Maes Hughes three short months ago.He was proved to have murdered almost a hundred others as well, not even counting the damage done in Ishbal. It was impossible to tell who he had or hadn't killed, and that's what the general public were told when Envy was locked up forever, anesthetized 90 of the time under the highest prison security ever before seen.

So just a month ago, Maria Ross had finally returned home. She'd grown used to Xing and was unsure about returning, but she had promises to keep regarding both Mustang and Edward Elric, and she needed to say goodbye to her family, so she returned to Amestris.

Mustang made sure an apartment was rented for her, and when Maria found out Ed and Al had no place to stay when they visited her, she invited them to stay with her.

It gave Ed opportunities to try to keep his promise of someday repaying her for slapping him, however clumsily he attempted to do so. Standing guard over her was actually not one of these attempts.

Edward Elric was haunted by many, many things. One of them was still the sight of Maria's body, burned beyond recognition, in a cold, dark alleyway. Even finding her alive and physically well later had not erased the scene from his mind. In fact, somehow it had made it worse. The certainty of her death, her _murder_, on that nigght, sometimes seemed much more real than seeing her alive later had been. Wasn't it too good to be true? Now he stood over her, staring until he convinced his mind that she was _not_ charred and falling apart, the little left of her being destroyed by the rain.

Ed had been born with a natural stubbornness that often irritated, but was most often admired by, others. They didn't realize that his mind could use its own stubbornness against him, as it did now. Sure, she was intact but was she really alive? Suddenly, he couldn't detect the movement of her chest or the sound of her breathing. He sensed no life from her sleeping form and suddenly felt like he had, all those years ago, when his mother had been sick. So sick that he had to get up and check in the middle of the night to make sure she was still alive.

Like that long-ago little child who suddenly couldn't be quite sure, Ed climbed into the bed and crawled up against Maria. He found the warmth he was seeking. The softness, and the sound of her breath. She woke, groggy, and saw his still-scared face next to her. She stared at him, a little wary of his intentions, then realized Ed was just scared and lonely, and put her arm around him.

"Shh..." she said, and drifted off to sleep.

Ed cried softly. For his mother, Trisha, who hadn't been so lucky, for Hughes, for Maria and all she'd had to endure, and finally, because he felt safe enough to cry like a little baby until he fell asleep.

* * *

**For a minute, I couldn't remember when I had thought of this, but I just did! I was reading volume 9 of the manga again, and I suddenly realized that seeing that body, thinking it was Maria, wasn't something that could just be erased from Edward's mind, no matter what happened later on. It was also the first time he'd seen Roy "kill". He'd seen Roy use flames before, but I don't think he'd seen any of Roy's kills. **


	16. Chapter 62 ficlet

**I feel unoriginal, since this ficlet is just some quotes with a little speculation in between them, but reading volume 16 inspired me, so here it is.**

**WARNING! SPOILER FOR CHAPTER 62 and up. If you haven't read it, you probably won't get it at all...**

-------------------------

_"...move this country toward true democracy...means abolishing the state alchemist system as well..."_

Ed listened intently, his body not slouching, but more relaxed than he usually allowed himself to be. He was in Hawkeye's territory, her domain. She was in control her, and he felt protected in a completely illogical way, considering neither of them were really safe anywhere anymore.

_"Hold on!" _

Ed's body jerked forward in his seat, his mind processing her words.

_"...the colonel knows, but he's still aiming for the top? He's on a path of self-destruction!"_

Inside, Ed panicked a smidgen. Mustang, and all his subordinates turned into criminals by a shift of executive power?

_"The __**homonculi**__ were the ones pulling the strings!"_

Ed blurted the rest of his thought which, had he not been here in Hawkeye's realm, never would have been uttered...

_"It's not fair that the colonel and you should be the ones who are punished!"_

Hawkeye's eyes glowed and Ed could not quite decipher the emotions behind them.

_"The homonculi may have __**started**__ the war, but __**we**__ were the ones who __**carried it out**__."_

In his mind, Ed could _understand_ but not _accept_ Hawkeye's description of duty and what it entailed.

_"That's why, at the very least, we want the __**next**__ generation to be able to laugh and live a happy existence."_

Ed couldn't keep the corner of his mouth from pulling down. His hands began to shake and he just barely kept himself from crying. Even here, under Hawkeye's eye and protection, he would not allow himself to cry however.

_Inside_ the "little" alchemist wept at the idea of losing his tiny, tiny haven of safety and guidance (although he would never admit that that's what it was).

_I __**am**__ the next generation... But look at me._

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